A Very Long Time...

Hello my dear friends! It has been a long time since I have posted anything on this dear blog. I want to thank you for reading the musings of the Travellin' Mom. I thought I would share what I have been up to...

Today I have launched our new website. It is all about my adventures with a focus on my son Jacob. We have wanted to so this for a while and we were finally able to make it happen!
So if you have enjoyed The Travellin' Mom I hope that you will join us at our new location...

http://thelifeofjacob.com/

Hope to see you soon

A Good Reminder!!

Life has been a bit crazy the last few weeks. We have been getting ready for school, Mackenzie is starting college, Jacob is in 11 grade, My dear husband is back to work at the college (I love watching him and Kenzie head out the door every morning together!!) and we also received the sad/happy news that the littles are heading back home to be with their mother. I say sad/happy because it depends what end of the story you are on!
It really is a success story. One of the reasons we have foster care is to keep little ones safe but also to give the family the supports they need so that everyone can be reunited again. We have been able to be a part of this work, but I can not lie, our hearts are broken and we will have to take some time to heal and move forward.
That being said we have been blessed with a great feeling of peace and comfort that I know comes from our Father in Heaven. It is a miracle and I am grateful... it doesn't take away the sadness, but it does allow me to know that all is well.

Now the other reason I am posting today...
I received a comment on one of my posts wondering if I might be suffering from depression.
At first I just closed my computer and felt embarrassed that someone I don't know would think this. I wondered about my posts and have given it some real thought. 
I decided to publish the comment (still not sure why I have to approve each comment but I do) and I also want to share some of my thoughts!

First, I am grateful that he had the courage to bring it to my attention. We seem to have a hard time talking about depression and all mental illness. But it is an illness. I am pretty sure that my family and friends wouldn't have any trouble telling me to go to the doctor if they thought my arm was broken  or that I need antibiotics. Yet we do seem to tippy toe around this issue of  mental illness.

After Jacob was born I did struggle with depression- maybe postpartum, maybe from having my hopes and dreams shattered, maybe from complete exhaustion, both physically and mentally or maybe a combination of all of the above. I remember being in the passenger's seat of our van with my dear family driving over a crazy, scary pass in the mountains. I put my head against my window looking down at the great drop off, one I find quite terrifying today, and thought 
"hmm if we just slipped off the edge I wouldn't be so tired anymore."
I didn't want to grab the wheel and make this happen, but I think you can agree that this was not a healthy thought. 
I am grateful that I had both family and friends that could see that I was sliding and struggling and helped me to get the medical help I needed. I was able see my doctor and get the medication I needed and the counselling I needed to help bring me out of that scary place.
For me, I was able to eventually come off of the antidepressants and stay off them. I know that this doesn't happen for everyone, but that is not weakness.  I believe that my depression was from the circumstances that I was in. It felt to me that the medication brought me out a great hole to level ground. I was then able to deal with my emotions around what had happened and to find my purpose again. I will be forever grateful that the medication was there to bring me to that point.
Not all depression is the same. Some will need to be treated a lot longer then mine did. Some will need to be treat for life. I wish that we could all see this as okay. I have a dear friend who takes medication every day to help her regulate her insulin levels. I would never tell her or expect her to "toughen up" and try to do it on her own. That would be absurd! Yet it seem that the goal with mental illness is get off of the meds no matter what the circumstances... Why?

I remember sitting at at a friends house playing games. The topic of depression came up and the mother of one of my friends said to another woman her same age, "I wish I had known I could have used depression as an excuse when we were having children." they both laughed. Maybe incidences like this make us think that we should feel less than others, weak, foolish or  that it is all just in our heads- it is not!
I can guarantee that neither one of these ladies had ever suffered from depression. It is not something that can be laughed away, snapped out of, nor is it an excuse. I don't even know what that means. It is real. It takes the proper help to deal with it and it is an illness, just like diabetes, asthma, high blood pressure, heart disease... and it can and does kill. 
We need to take it seriously and never make someone living with it feel that if they would just do ABC and D they could get themselves over it. 

Now that all being said, I am confident that I am not suffering from depression at this time. I have had a few hard days that I have shared, I am very sad that our lives are being affected by these crazy changes right now, but I do feel great peace, hope and comfort. .
I also need to remember to share more of the happy days. But my goal is always to be real. Sometimes I can get off of reading facebook posts and blog posts and feel like I must be doing something wrong cause my life just doesn't seem to be as rosy as everyone else's. Is that just me?
My life is messy, it is messy and crazy, it is sometimes hard, and there are days I just want to run away to a little cabin just outside of some cute little country town, where I can bike in for some groceries that I can put into my little basket on the front of my bike, where my back yard is the ocean, where I can sit on my little adirondack chair sipping peppermint tea, watching the sunset and listening to the waves roll in... (hmm one might think I have given this some thought..)
But I love my life! I love all that I am learning. I love knowing that I can do hard things- I don't always like to, but I know that I can! I love that I have been blessed with an incredible family, amazing friends, my health, a beautiful part of the world to call home and the knowledge that I am loved and that I am enough! Life is Good! 

I hope that you have a GOOD day! I plan to!

And thank you Bryan!

Weakness

Confession, I am not as strong as I want people to believe I am and Sundays are my very worst day EVER!! 
I know they are suppose to be a day of rest, a day of worship, a day of rejuvenation, a day of service, a day of reconnecting and re covenanting with my dear Father in Heaven...
Here I sit as church about is about to start alone, at my kitchen table. My dear husband has come home from his morning meetings after a crazy phone call from his equally crazy wife, about a broken head rest on Jacob's chair and the extreme lack of allen keys in this house and why didn't he see that it needed to be fixed yesterday?? He has fixed the chair, gathered all of the children and taken them to church by himself. I know that this suppose to be a gesture of love and service to me, but instead it reiterates my feelings of weakness, uselessness and not enoughness.
Especially after spending the whole day yesterday on an adventure with a dear friend of mine. I should feel energized and ready to begin again. But I don't.
I wonder why?Why do I feel this way? Why are Sundays the worst? Why do I find it so easy to see all of my faults and so hard to see any of my strengths? Why?

I wonder if maybe Sunday's are so hard because there are so many expectations. I am suppose to get up in the morning to my Sunday ready home, kiss my dear husband good bye so he can happily be off to his early morning meetings. I get dressed in my beautiful Sunday best, Dress my children in their Sunday best, do their hair super cute- something from Pinterest perhaps, feed them yummy goodness, have beautiful reverent, spirit inviting music playing in the background, read over my Sunday school lesson, throw something yummy in the crock pot so we can eat when we come home, teach my dear children some wonderful story from the scriptures, prepare one of the sweet littles to give the opening prayer in primary, And arrive to church early so we can sit sweetly in our pew feeling the spirit with gentle smiles on our faces before the meetings begin!!!!

 Ah Lovely!

This is how my morning went... I awoke to our youngest crying and wanting out of her crib, soon followed by her brother and sister running up and down the hallway yelling and screaming and asking demanding something to eat, My dear husband got himself ready and kissed me goodbye with that look in his eye that lets me know he is just not sure I will be able to handle this!
I get up get everyone something to eat, send those who can off to dress themselves, I dress the youngest,she doesn't want a diaper or a pull up, she wants underwear, I give her underwear, they are dressed in everyday clothes cause I ain't no fool! I get Jacob up, discover his head rest is falling off, I look in the garage for the tools, I can't find them, I call my dear husband, he is sweet, I am frustrated, my mood spills over right through the phone to him! Hooray , I have ruined his morning, he is coming home... I feed Jacob in his bed while waiting. Our youngest is now naked running up and down the hallway, I get her dressed, I step in the puddle she has made, I clean it up, Dear oldest daughter is awake and upstairs to help? no, yell at me because she thinks I have looked at her funny and am somehow making a comment about how she looks, now she is not going to church, she tells me about her adventure the night before climbing through caves and hiking, she feels better and runs off to get ready for church, dear husband comes home, quickly finds the tools and fixes the chair, asks what is wrong, I mutter something about feeling inadequate and how Sunday's seem to hold up a mirror to my weaknesses, he says he will come back to help get everyone to church, I tell him I don't need his help, he gives me another look and leaves, I get the two year old dressed again, find the new puddle clean it up, try to put her in a diaper or pull up, wrestle to get a pull up on her, lose, put her in her bed until she puts the pull up on, hear the cries for a snack, get the snack, check on the two old, get her out, clean up the snack, get the two year old DRESSED AGAIN!!!! Dear oldest daughter leaves for church, work on filling the diaper bag, throw white shirts in the drier because ironing seems like too much work, find the boys ties, warm up leftovers for lunch, put youngest son in a time out for pinching his sister and to perhaps save his life, finish getting lunch ready, continue on getting the diaper bag ready, gather everyone around the table and feed them, they inhale and want more, I get them more, youngest son now wants the blue plate, has a melt down over the not getting the blue plate and doesn't think he has as many noodles as his sisters, get through lunch, wash everyone's faces and hands, find everyone's Sunday clothes, realize we don't have anything to take to church for snack, run out the trailer to get the sugar cereal, come in to find youngest son in his church clothes on his hands and knees on the garage floor checking the new bunnies, take him inside to see if I can save his Sunday pants, get the two year old DRESSED AGAIN, tie the boys ties, tie everyone's shoes, dear husband comes home to find me in my closet trying to find something to wear, I realize church starts in 15 minutes, he decides to take them all himself, I tell him he'll never be able to do it, he tells me he'll figure it out, I take it as an insult that I couldn't, he gives me that look again, he loads the children into the van, I collapse in the fetal position on my bed...

Yup!! True story of my great day, happy day, so proud of myself day!!!! 

UGH!

I am going to find some chocolate, perhaps take a nap or maybe watch Mom's night out, although to be honest I don't think I'm strong enough for that movie today!!! Maybe just the nap!

I know that I am not ending on some uplifting note, sometimes they take longer to come,plus I know you are still laughing about my morning, likely because you understand it! If you are not laughing and are now crying, I am sorry. Leave me a little comment below with your address and I will share my chocolate with you!! 

Take heart, this is but a tiny moment and great times are just ahead. Until then, hang in there have a good cry and know that you are loved! I hope to!

Jacob, Tobii Eye gaze, Shaw news!!

https://youtu.be/iUa29HAPk4I


I am just trying to figure this all out, but this is the link to Jacob's video on Shaw news!  I hope it works or you!

Change!

And once again our lives are changing!  
I actually love change. Too long in one "spot" seems to leave me dreaming of something new! Maybe that is why we have moved around so much.
This time we are not moving away. It is our children who are making all of the changes!

Leaving for the MTC! 

We have just arrived home from dropping our dear son, Nathan, off in Provo Utah at the Mission Training Center. He will be there for a few weeks before heading off to Halifax where he will serve a two year mission for our church. Although we have been planning this for years, it was still hard to drop him off and drive away.  I am grateful for emails and happy news that he is doing well and not homesick at all!

Saying good bye

Our dear Mackenzie is starting the countdown for high school graduation. She is making summer plans that don't include anything on my big brown paper summer calendar that I make every year. Instead she is planning her own adventures with her friends. Then she will be off to college and maybe a mission of her own!
I am excited to see her branch out and explore her world. This is what I have been working on their whole lives~ getting them ready to make it on their own,  But boy oh boy, it is hard to be left behind. I wonder and hope that I have given them the tools they will need to be happy and successful!

It could be 3 1/2 years before they see each other again!
 Glad to know they will miss each other!!

Even our dear Jacob is making plans without me and is excited for his own adventures.  He will be 16 in a few weeks and is planning his first date with a sweet girl. They will be double dating with his dear sister and her date.  He was very clear with us that a double date with mom and dad is just NOT cool!! Whaat???

There are always many changes with the "Littles". Our five year old is finished with preschool and getting ready for kindergarten. He is need of a bigger bike and we are even talking about taking off the training wheels! Our 2 and 3 year old are working on mastering the potty. Their favorite words these days are "Me do it" and "I do it myself"! 

All of these changes are wonderful, positive, exciting and expected.  I am grateful to be the mom and to have a front row seat to watching it all unfold!
I will still take out the big roll of brown paper, draw on some calendars, make some plans, fill in the days and go on my own adventures with whoever will come with with me. Maybe some geocaching, a trip to the zoo, swimming lessons and a hike in the mountains!  We will continue to make more memories but I will always cherish the memories of years gone by!

He didn't even look back!!
Love this guy!

 I hope you enjoy the changes of your day!  I plan to!

So, This Happened!!

I just love how life works!  I find it interesting that opportunities arise when we least expect them!
I got a phone call the other day from our amazing friends at Children's Allied Health, wondering if Jacob and I would help them with promoting Speech and Hearing Month~ the month of May!!
Soooo, we did!  
Jacob is trialing an eye gaze system that allows him to speak using a computer. The camera on the device picks up his eyes and he looks at the symbols and chooses what to say!  
It is AMAZING!!  It is opening up his whole world!
Jacob has had 2 other trials before this one that haven't gone as well.  But this time he seems to have bought into the idea that he has a lot to say and wants to be heard!  And today he had the opportunity to do just that!
We were interviewed by Lethbridge's Country 95.5 radio station, Global news Shaw news, and the Lethbridge Herald.  
It was a bit nerve racking at first, but in the end it was almost fun. I LOVE watching this boy shine.  I love that the world can see his wonderful, funny, lovable personality and get to know him like we do~ his "crazy family"!!

On our way in to be interviewed... Jacob was not sure this was a good idea!!!

All set up and waiting! Those are some of the Books Jacob has been working on!

Still waiting!

Started with taking pictures! 

Showing off some of his creations!!

After being in front of the camera, Jacob was able to see what it was like to be behind the camera!
(People are amazing!- thank you Quinn!)

A very tired guy!
~being a super star is hard work!!~

If you want to watch the piece, it's on Lethbridge Global News and Shaw news tonight (May 16th) @ 5, 6 and 11!  Or watch for him in the Lethbridge Herald! We would love to know what you think!!

Hope you have a star studded day! I am!

On the Lord's Errand!

It is Sunday.  Most Sunday's find me sitting with my dear family in a pew at church, usually struggling to keep our little brood quiet and together.
But today I am home with Jacob and one of the Littles who are not feeling well. The house is quiet because everyone is cozed into their beds for a needed rest.
As an attempt to make my Sabbath day a bit more spiritual, I have been watching some wonderful videos on lds.org. Usually I love to do this. I find it helps motivate me to do better, to strive to follow God's plan for me.  But as I began to watch On the Lord's Errand , I couldn't help but wonder if I am following the path that the Lord has set out for me? Am I doing enough? Am I on the Lord's Errand?  
Just at that moment I glanced over at a plate sitting on the table next to me, with the left over bits of a peanut butter and Jelly sandwich.  I couldn't help remembering being in the hospital just after Jacob was born. He was only in the hospital for 11 days, so short compared to some little ones who come into this world fighting to be here. But they were the longest 11 days of my life.  
I had 2 other little ones waiting for me at home and although I knew they were being well cared for, I remember yearning to be back home, in my kitchen doing something "normal" like making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!  

I have made many sandwiches since that day and I am so grateful to have done so!  It is mundane and repetitive, but it is filling the needs of my dear sweet family! 
No, I am not out serving all of my neighbours everyday, I do not hold a "big important" calling in my church right now where I am asked to sacrifice tons of my time and energy.   

But, I am a Mom! I get to help raise these sweet, amazing little ones into amazing, talented, productive big people!!  
It is so easy to forget that the service we provide in our own homes is just as important- maybe even more important then the  service we provide outside of our homes.  It doesn't often get much recognition, and I am pretty sure no one will be asking to make a video of my life, but that is not what matters.

What matters is that I AM living the life that the Lord wants me to live. I am right where He wants me to be. I know that He is aware of me and my little family. I know that He cares about what I am doing because He helps me on a daily basis. I am grateful for the path that I am on and I am grateful for all of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I have had the privilege to make in my life, and the reminder they are to me that I am enough!!

I hope you have a wonderful Sunday!  I am!